Finding Myself.

On February 14, I just dropped everything and fled to Bamenda, into my grandma’s arms.

I told everyone that I only wanted to visit her and get a little spoiled. Well, that was reason number two. Reason number one was that I wanted to ‘find myself’.

I don’t even know what that meant. I can only explain how I felt.

I realised I had not had a real holiday in over 14 months and I was completely exhausted. I was literally falling sick every three weeks.

I realised that I had several undefined relationships which were causing me distress, and I had begun to feel emotionally numb.

I was tired of not knowing what I really wanted and just ‘going with the flow’.

I had realised that I didn’t even have clear cut goals and plans for myself in this season and it was as though I was acting out scripts which other people had written for me.

I exhausted my ‘love tank’. I had spent all my efforts giving love and caring for the people in my life and had forgotten to receive. I had even begun to hate the person that I was.

I was immune even to God. I no longer wanted to hear His voice or be in His presence.

I had lost myself.

So I left everything and everybody and ran.

I ran to the only place I knew I would always be welcomed with a smile and open arms. The only place I knew would ever be a safe love nest; My grand mother’s house.

For one week, I did nothing but eat and sleep. You know, like Eddie Murphy, “Prince Hakeem” in Coming to America, the movie. I know my grandmother would have bathed me and brushed my teeth if I let her.

I only received. I let myself be loved and appreciated. And pampered, of course.

So, did I find myself?

I don’t know.

But now, I am refreshed. I truly feel loved and valued. I know what I want to be doing in the next six months at least. I know which relationships I have to throw away and which I have to keep. I am excited about worship and being in the presence of The Father.

I don’t have my whole life in order, but now, I like the picture that I see. And gradually I am beginning to love Glory Mafor again.

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